5 Weeks Ago…

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

Patience, someone once claimed, is a virtue, but it was not one that Keziah Nazir possessed, and certainly not on her mandated medical review days. She’d always respected the medical professionals she worked with, but since being a patient on Caelum Station, and later Starbase Bravo, she had learnt that every single one of them worked to their own time keeping schedule. One time, Doctor Amarossa had kept her waiting for eighty-five minutes and sixteen seconds exactly, driving her potty in the process. He was lucky she had nothing pressing to attend to.

She’d not had anything pressing to attend to for months. Even during the Blackout, she’d been of limited assistance because officers on the station had been so well trained to deal with situations. She’d had to watch, and wait, in disbelief as news came in of ship disappearances and the Vaadwaur invasion, all from the comfort of her guest quarters. She’d felt completely helpless, totally useless, until her counsellor had reminded her of one thing: whatever was going on in the galaxy, Starfleet would need experienced commanders again soon, and she still had a path back. So that was now her focus.

And it was the cause of her long journey back to Starbase Bravo, where she would meet the one person who could determine if today was her lucky day; the day she could proudly don her uniform once again. Sitting on the chair in the waiting room, the Trill waited to be called for her final review.

Marcelette took the PADD of information off her desk and looked up as the doors swayed open. “Ah Counsellor Shil, are you ready?” she asked the young Orion woman standing before her.

“As ready as I am ever going to be, Doctor. Say, can you examine her at the same time, just makes it easier to have an experienced Medical Officer there to … you know…” Shil’s green Orion skin sparkled in the light.

“It is like you planned it.” Marcelette said sternly, “Fine.”

“It is my new body shimmer… ‘Shimmer by Khloe‘” Shil smiled and pulled her hair tight.

“Counsellor, this is an official duty, not a dating service. Please control yourself.” Marcelette reminded Shil.

“I know Doctor. It’s just how I was brought up.” Shil smiled and led the way to the room where Captain Keziah Nazir was waiting.

Nazir was lost in thought and almost missed her name when it was shouted, but eventually she shook off the malaise and rose to her feet. “I’m Keziah Nazir,” she told.

“Hello, I am Doctor Tiern, and this is Counsellor Na’hl, we will be conducting your back-to-work assessment.” Tiern took the lead. “Do you have any questions or concerns?”

Nazir closely regarded the two visitors, the people who would make the final judgement on her career aspirations. While she didn’t think much of them at first sight, she was sure they had to be good at their jobs or they wouldn’t have been there, right?

“No,” she smiled, shaking her head, “no questions.” She wanted to tell them to get on with it, but she had to remain centred, calm. She couldn’t afford to slip up, not now.

Marcelette sat down in a chair with her tricorder opened, she nodded at the Orion, “I’m ready counsellor.”

“Alright, Captain Nazir, let’s start with the ‘gumbo’, can you tell me what happened that led to this situation?” Shil had read the files, but she wanted to hear what Captain Nazir had to say.

In the minutes that followed, Nazir regaled the pair with her tale of woe. Everything from the destruction of her first command, the Nogura, during the Lost Fleet Crisis to the events of Frontier Day. From giving orders that cost the lives of crewmates to suffering devastating losses to her family through no fault of their own. Especially the loss of their beloved Or’uil. From the events at Eridanus to her tribunal and her eventual decision to relinquish command and seek help. It was quite the tale. So much so that if she had been Klingon, she was certain there would be an opera in her name.

Then there was the drug use. Self-medication, as she saw it, but a foolish decision that had cost lives. All paled into insignificance compared to the devastation she felt at having lost the trust and confidence of her friends and colleagues.

Marcellette nodded, loosing the trust and confidence from friends is something that she knew first hand, especially with her history. She looked over to the Counsellor, she seemed to be taking extensive notes, “And the Symbiont, do you feel it has had any sway over your actions?” Marcelette interjected.

Keziah pursed her lips as she contemplated her response to the question from the Commander. In all of her discussions so far, Nazir had been an after thought, a minor detail, but this woman had gone straight for the jugular. Straight for the one topic that made her most uneasy. In truth, she’d let her companion down to such an extent that she had fully expected to be called back to the Caves of Mak’ala and have Nazir removed, even meaning death for her as host. Thankfully, the Guardians had taken pity on her story and helped host and symbiont reconnect in such a magical way. She’d disrespected Nazir, but never once had her symbiont made her feel guilty for her actions.

“No,” Keziah shook her head firmly. “What I did was my choice,” she emphasised whilst pointing to her chest. “I let her down, but my recent trip to the caves helped forge a greater bond between us that, in truth, probably hasn’t been there for some time,” she smiled slightly, finding the honesty and openness quite refreshing.

Shil observed, reading the Captains body language, reading her eyes, “I am glad you answered that way.” Her green skin glowed candescently. “I would like to explore the notion of betrayal, if you would, or better yet, how you feel you have betrayed everyone. Why is it that you feel that way, and how do you expect to fix that? Going back to the same command with the same officers will prove difficult will it not?”

It was an interesting set of questions from the younger of the two specialists, and it was nothing less than she expected after months of being proverbially poked and prodded. “I never said I betrayed anyone,” she corrected with a single raised finger and a look that indicated her displeasure at the introduction of a word that she had not attributed to her feelings. Once she lowered her hand, she elaborated further. “I let people down. I let myself down. But betrayal? No. What I did was unbecoming a Starfleet officer, but I never betrayed anyone, or anything. Not even my oath to Starfleet.”

She took a few sips of cold water before continuing her explanation. “Everything I did at the time, I did with the belief that I was doing what was best for Starfleet and the people of Eridanus. Was I wrong? Yes, but I still did it with the best of intentions, as misguided as that was.” Another sip as she felt a pang of guilt in her chest. Or was it, perhaps, a sense of doubt? “I’ve atoned for my sins. I lost my command, I lost friends, I lost my reputation. When the time comes to rebuild those things, I need to do so elsewhere. Lakota has moved on. Captain Thorne is doing an excellent job by all accounts and I would never seek to destabilise a Captain or his crew in such a way.”

Rising to her feet, the Trill stretched out her back and wandered to the window that looked beyond the space lanes of Mellstoxx and into the heavens beyond. “Before all of this, I was a fearsome leader. I led with passion, with intelligence, with grace. I lost my way… but those people I love, people I let down, helped me find the path home.”

Marcelette looked at Shil and nodded, “Physically you are well Captain, and judging by your answers, I feel you are suitable to return to duty.”

Shil spoke up, “I would like you to attend regular counselling sessions with the counsellor on your next command. I am not worried about your mental health, it is something that I recommend to all officers that I encounter, especially Captains as it is a stressful job.”

Marcelette looked at the Captain, “Any questions?”

Turning back from the window, Keziah was as calm and composed as ever, shaking her head at the question from the Commander. Their conclusions were welcome, and a relief. “Thank you for taking the time out of your schedules to see me. It is appreciated,” she smiled thankfully, offering a hand to the senior most officer in gratitude.

Marcelette smiled and took the gesture. She and Shil made their way out the door to file their report.

Nazir remained her calm, stoic self until the two officers in medical blue vacated the room and the doors closed behind them. Right on cue, she lost all control of her emotions, the floodgates opening as she let out a wail that betrayed the pain she felt. After everything that had happened, she would finally be returning to what she loved the most and she felt…

She felt.

She’d been numb for months, shutting herself off from her emotions, even from her inner most thoughts and feelings. But now, now she allowed herself to let go.

And she felt better than she had in months.